Take My Hand
by The Orgasmic Uke
Summary: I didn't know I needed him until I had him. I didn't know what living was until I met him. He became my world. My life. And then he was ripped from my fingers. Jearmin. Apocalypse AU. Rated M just in case.


**Chances are you may hate me after this. Chances are you may regret ever reading this. I may even regret writing it. But here it is. **

**Warnings: I'll be straight up blunt. Major character death. Maybe a little gore? **

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. You know this. **

* * *

Holidays didn't matter anymore. How could they? It was hard enough to keep track of the time of day, let alone the dates of the month. Hell, I hardly knew what month it was anymore. Holidays were a time of happiness and celebration. Those types of things didn't belong in my world anymore. I wasn't sure if they ever had belonged but they certainly didn't belong now. What was the point? Holidays were about getting together with family and enjoying each others company. How could one do that when their family was dead or scattered? Why would I even want to try?

It had been two years since it happened. Since the world went to hell and I lost everyone I ever knew. I hardly remembered exactly what went down. I forced those things from my mind so I could survive. What I did remember, was my grandfather was dead and Eren and Mikasa were gone. Dead or alive, I had no idea. They were just gone. I doubted I would ever seen them again. Not in this world... A world where it was impossible to even walk outside without the fear of being ripped apart.

I could handle myself. I handled myself for almost a year and a half. I may not have been strong but my mind was the reason I survived. Plus, it didn't hurt that I was one hell of a shot with a crossbow. But, If I ever got stuck in a horde, I was screwed. I knew how to avoid those types of situations but that didn't mean it didn't happen. No matter where I went, I made sure I knew at least three exits. My mind was the reason I was alive. At least, it was for that year and a half.

About six months ago, I had nearly lost my life. I would have lost my life. I had been preoccupied which had been my first mistake. It wasn't easy to deal with the things I saw everyday but I dealt. Sometimes, the days were harder than others especially because I had no one else to share it with. I was on my own and had been since I was separated from Eren and Mikasa. That day... Had been an especially hard day...

* * *

_I coughed, rubbing my throat as I ran as fast as my feet could carry me. Hot wet tears streamed down my flushed cheeks and I let them. There was only so much I could handle. There was a reason I was alone. I couldn't handle watching someone turn again... Not after my grandfather. I choked on a sob as I turned a corner and busted through the back door of the apartment building. I paused, pressing back against the closed door as I pressed my hands to my face. I couldn't... How could anyone?_

_She was only around four. How could... How could anyone hurt her? I choked on a sob, bringing my limbs close to my body as I let it out. I had seen children turned before. But she was so _young_. The youngest I had seen and I didn't have it in me to kill her. How could I? How could anyone...? I felt the day I became cold enough to kill that little girl would be the day I couldn't turn back. And I refused to become that. No matter how ruthless and cold the world had become... I couldn't become like that. _

_I inhaled a shaky breath and then I heard it. The inhuman _growling_. I gasped in surprise and glanced up to see them. What the hell had I been thinking?! Luckily, there was a fence blocking the alleyway but down each side, there were the undead. A lot of them. I didn't have time to count because as soon as they realized I was there, they started to pushing. I grimaced at their decaying faces and pushed off the wall, glancing around quickly for some kind of escape. When I tried the door I had escaped from, I found it locked and mentally kicked myself for letting my emotions take control. _

_I quickly spun around and glanced up the sides of the buildings, hoping, praying, there was a way for me to get up. There was no way I could get out of the alleyway but there had to be a way to go up. There had to be. I chewed on my bottom lip, blue eyes glancing around frantically. But then I froze. The sound of chain-link snapping reached my ears and I glanced over in time to see the fence down the end of the alleyway tumble over with bodies falling with it. _No. This couldn't be happening...

_I inhaled sharply and took off down the alleyway, glancing around frantically for a way to escape. My stomach dropped because I knew there wasn't one. My foolish mistake was going to cost me my life. I skidded to a halt, glancing up at the ladder of a fire escape. It was high and I doubted I could reach it but I could try. I biting my lip hard, I ran against the wall and did my best to jump up, reaching for it. I missed however. If only I had been taller... I had always been short for my age and sometimes, it was convenient in this world. But it certainly wasn't helping me now. I glanced to the side, my breath catching my throat when I saw the bodies getting to their wobbly feet and start to come toward me. _

_"Hey, kid!" The voice was deep and sharp and I snapped my head up to see a man standing on that fire escape, fumbling with it to let the ladder down. I stared up at the light-haired male with an undercut, whose eyes were constantly glancing between me, the ladder, and the horde coming toward me. "Shit." He hissed, giving up on the ladder and suddenly dropped to his stomach. "Come on." His golden eyes were narrowed in concentration as he hooked a leg around one of the bars of the fire escape and leaned his body down to me. He reached out for me and I knew if I jumped, He could catch me. "Hurry!" He snapped._

_My body acted on its own. I ran at the wall, pushed off it and grabbed both of his hands. His hands wrapped tightly around my wrists and I winced at the way we both sank. But he had caught me. I glanced at the undead coming toward me and pressed my feet against the wall, using the leverage to climb up. The man moved back, helping to pull me up and just as the undead had reached where we were, the man pulled me onto the fire escape. I collapsed in his lap without realizing it and I could only lay there, my eyes wide as I stared down at the undead reaching up for us. _

_"Are you hurt?" The man questioned softly, bringing me out of my daze._

_I sat up suddenly, scrambling out of his lap to sit on my knees beside him. "I'm fine." I told him, trying to catch my breath as my hands formed fists on my knees. _

_"That was close." A half smile came to the man's lips as he looked me over. "I'm glad I was on the roof and heard the fence snap."_

_I panted softly, feeling the adrenaline fade from my veins. "Yes. So am I."_

_"I'm Jean." He leaned forward, tilting his head as he tried to catch my gaze. "What's your name?"_

_I swallowed hard. "Armin."_

_Jean nodded. "Well, Armin. You alone or do you have a group around here somewhere?"_

_I shook my head. "I'm alone." I stumbled to my feet, adjusting the backpack over my shoulders. "Thank you. You saved my life." I told the male who also got to his feet. "I appreciate it. You did not have to do that."_

_Jean shrugged, flashing me a grin. "What kind of human being would I be if I just let you get eaten?"_

_I glanced up at him, my eyes narrowed slightly. "A human of the world we live in now."_

_The grin disappeared from his face and his glare matched mine. "I'm not like that. I still have some humanity left, you know?" Jean sighed softly at my glare and softened his face as he looked away. "Look, I get it okay. You don't trust me. But I did just save your life. Don't I get some brownie points here?"_

_I bit my lower lip, my glare softening. The man did have a point and if he tried anything funny, I could handle myself. The crossbow attached to my backpack was easy enough to see but I had other hidden weapons that he had no idea about. Though, I was sure he had his own weapons somewhere. "Fine." I answered after a few minutes of thinking. _

_Jean raised an eyebrow at he looked me over. "You don't look so good. I'm alone too but I have a nest." He glanced up the fire escape. "You can rest with me for a few days. It's relatively safe." He held his hand out to me. "I understand if you say no, but I wouldn't feel okay with you wandering off into this infested city in your state."_

_My gut clenched at his words and I knew he was right. I had been running for days. It wouldn't hurt for me to rest for a few. So with a suspicious glance and a bit to my lip, I took his offered hand._

* * *

Jean had saved my life that day. But he had done so much more than that. He was the first human I had met since it all went to hell that still actually cared. I had learned over those few days of resting that he was alone by choice, just like I. He said he found it hard to be with people who were okay with attacking other humans just to survive. We agreed on a lot of things. I learned he was a kind man who happened to be the same age as I. Jean had laughed for about an hour over that. He thought I was sixteen or something; not twenty. It didn't bother me as much as I thought it would have though.

Being with Jean... Was like my world was finally warm for once. So that was why I couldn't leave him behind. I knew something special when it came along and Jean certainly was special. He was kind, funny and strong. I didn't see anything wrong with having someone with me who could protect my back and Jean felt the same. So I stayed with him. We moved from place to place, fighting and surviving together. I had almost forgot what it really meant to be human before I met Jean. He brought back my humanity and kept me from losing my mind in the decaying world.

I wasn't sure when it happened really; Perhaps a few months after we met or maybe not that long. It had been a normal day for us. We went out to scavenge and came back with a little more than we had expected. We ran into only a few undead and managed to take care of them easily enough. We were eating when Jean just leaned over and kissed me. Once those lips were on mine it was like it was exactly what I had been waiting for the entire time.

After that, it was easy to understand what we were. I loved him and he loved me. He was my reason to keep going. He had become that and earned that right. Jean had become everything to me. He kept me sane. He made me laugh, smile and made me feel loved. I wasn't alone any more and it was all because of him. He had my heart, mind, body, and soul. All that was me, belonged to him. I felt without one another we were bound to lose our minds in the world we lived in now.

* * *

I hissed softly, rubbing my arm as I pressed flat back against the wall. I did my best to shrink into the wall, seemingly unknown but it was no use. I knew that. But I just needed a moment to catch my breath. Just one moment. I breathed heavily through my nose, doing everything I could to make as little sound as possible. My chest constricted, my heart pounding heavily as I glanced around the darkened hallway. Light stuttered in through the boarded up windows and I could only pray that somewhere in this abandoned hospital, Jean was alright.

I grit my teeth, squeezing my shoulder tightly against the pain. I only clipped it on a piece of scrap metal when I fell but it still hurt. We had to get out of here. We had to run. But I couldn't leave without Jean. I let out a heavy sigh through my nose, my teeth scrapping against the sensitive skin of my lower lip as I glanced around frantically, pushing off the wall and taking off again.

It had all went bad. It wasn't supposed to but it had. We should have known better. It was a hospital after all. Just because the outside was clear didn't mean a thing for the inside. But we chanced it because I had a fever and Jean refused to let anything happen to me. And because I refused to let him go on his own, I was now running around an abandoned hospital, hunted by creatures, with a burning fever and a bleeding arm. I wasn't worth this. We would have been better off staying home but no, Jean wouldn't allow that.

I skidded to a halt, horror filling my body at the three decaying bodies that clambered around a corner toward me. "Shit." I cursed softly, turning on my heel to hurry back down the hallway. This was bad. Really fucking bad. We'd been separated by an unexpected horde and now I was lost without the man I loved. Worry replaced my fear causing my feet to move quicker. I had to find him. I just had to.

The first sound of a gunshot struck me to the core. I skidded to a halt and snapped my head back toward where I had come from. The creatures that had once been after me were now clambering over each other in the direction of the gun shot. The second one struck me with fear and suddenly, I no longer felt confidant that Jean was okay. He _never_ used his gun. Not unless...

The bubble of sadness that rose up in my throat busted through in a choked sob that I quickly covered with a hand over my mouth. No, Armin. _No_. _You will have more faith in your lover than that. You will not over think. You will not assume._ But I couldn't move. The fear had my legs pinned and for the life of me, I couldn't find the energy to move them. I willed them to move but they just would not. Because I wanted them to move toward the sound of the gun shot but my instinct to live had them pulling in the opposite direction.

I didn't have _time_ to debate with my body. I had to-

"Armin!" The deep hushed voice scared the life out of me as those strong arms suddenly wrapped around my waist from behind. "Come on. Hurry." He whispered in my ear before he was gone, his warm hand in mine and then he was pulling and we were running. Running and running. Down one hallway and then another. Coming to a halt at a few zombies and turning hell down the opposite direction. All the while, his hand was strong in mine. Jean flung his body into the emergency exit with all his might, the sound echoing down the hallway as we escaped into the cool night air. The door slammed behind us and by the time anything had even noticed, we were long gone.

Neither of us stopped running until we had reached the safety og the place we called home. Jean pushed me inside and slammed the door behind him, locking it and blocking it with the large bookcase in the corner. I moved quickly to light a small oil lamp on the little table we had. The place was something we happened upon by chance. It was one of those places people had created for situations just like this one. But, either way, the shelter had been empty when we found it. It was underground and provided the perfect safety from anything on the outside.

I collapsed on our makeshift bed of mattress, blankets and pillows, clutching a hand to my chest to catch my breath. My breath was hard to find as I tossed my crossbow in the corner and beat on my chest with my fist.

"Damnit." Jean cursed softly, collapsing to his knees on the floor in front of me. He gathered my face in his hands and looked me over, his eyes narrowing at the blood staining the sleeve of my white shirt. "I'm sorry, Armin. I'm so sorry." His eyes glistening with tears as he released my face and ripped off the sleeve of my shirt. I winced as he started to clean the shallow cut to the best of his ability with a water bottle and a spare shirt.

"Shush." I spoke softly, still trying to catch my breath. I could feel my head spin slightly but I ignored it as his delicate fingers worked to wrap a ripped piece of shirt around my upper arm. "Do not apologize to me, Kirchstein." I snapped softly, working hard to get my body to calm down and my lungs to fill with air. "You didn't do this."

His brow furrowed and he frowned, biting his lower lip as he gently tightened the wrap around my arm. "It wasn't a complete failure." He mumbled softly, tossing me the rest of the water bottle before grabbing the bag he had brought with him. He dug through it for a moment before producing exactly what we had set out. The small bottle of Tylenol was exactly what I had been needing. He dumped out two pills for me that I eagerly took with the rest of the water bottle. "You should be okay now."

The water helped me find my breath and my body was finally calming from the adrenaline rush. I smiled softly at the other male and reached forward, wrapping a hand around the back of his neck to pull him close enough so our lips could meet. Jean's lips stilled against my lips for only a spilt second before responding in kind. We were safe. We were alive and safe. We pulled apart with soft smiles on our faces but I did not fail to notice the tears glistening in those lovely eyes.

"Jean...?" I asked softly.

He just shook his head and glanced away from me to dig in his bag once again. "You know Armin, I honestly don't know what I would do without you." He started, his voice low as he rummaged through the bag. I wanted to speak but I was almost too afraid to. "I felt pretty helpless until you came along." His voice was tight as he spoke and it was starting to scare me. "You've made surviving this worth something. You're..." He paused, shaking his head as he pulled something out of the bag; something that was enclosed in his fist. He finally raised his head to meet my eyes and the pain I found there left me stricken to the core. "You're the only reason I'm still here." He reached out, grasping my hand within his shaking one and it was then that I noticed the blood. How... How did I not notice it before? His hands were stained in blood but there was no way it was all mine.

"Jean..."

"Just, please Armin." His smile was painful, causing my heart to almost skip to a stop. "Let me finish." He took in a shaky breath, closing his eyes for a second before opening them again with more determination in them than before. "I love you, Armin. I know that if this world had never gone to hell we never would have met. I know that, so in a way, I'm glad that it did. Because I found you." His fist slowly uncurled but I didn't have the strength to look away from his eyes. "Did you know it's almost been a year? I don't know the exact date but, the cold weather tells me enough. It'll be Christmas soon." I couldn't look away from his eyes but I felt as he lifted my hand and slipped something round and cold around the ring finger of my left hand. The smile on his face became more sad and the tears in his eyes started to fall down his cheeks. "I wanted to spend forever with you. I thought... We were good enough to be able to. But I... I'm so sorry, Armin." His shoulder crumbled, his head fell and suddenly the man I knew to be so strong had crumbled into a silently crying mess.

Slowly, I pulled my shaking hand from his to finally glance down at the ring he had slipped on my finger. I didn't care where he found it. It was beautiful, sparkling, and if he hadn't been crying I would have kissed his brains out in happiness. I swallowed hard, unable to force down the lump in my throat as I reached toward him. Jean didn't move as I pushed the jacket off of his shoulders. It slumped to the floor and slowly, my shaking fingers started to unbutton his dark shirt. Jean made no move to stop me, only stared hard at the floor with tears falling from his eyes. My breath came out evenly from my nose as I tried to remain calm until I had all the information.

Each button popped until I was able to slip the shirt from his broad shoulders and finally see the full seriousness of the situation. My eyes narrowed, flashing to Jean's face before I leaned forward more and tugged at the makeshift blood-seeped bandage over his bicep. I pulled with apart with shaking fingers until his wound was revealed. Time seemed to freeze around us, my hand hovering over the obvious bite wound on his arm.

"No." I stated, snapping my hand back like the wound was going to bite _me_. I grabbed the back of Jean's head, grasping his hair tightly so I could snap his head up and our eyes could meet. "Why didn't you tell me?!" I hissed through gritted teeth, ignoring the feeling of hot tears slipping down my round cheeks.

"I'm sorry." He said through a cracked voice, reaching for me.

I released him, slapping his hands away from me as I scooted backwards on the makeshift bed. "No!" I snapped at him, holding a hand up at him. "You're not- No, Jean! You're not doing this!" My voice cracked but I didn't care. I grabbed the ring he placed on my finger and threw it at him, hitting him square in the chest. His face contorted in pain but he ignored the ring as he started to crawl over the bed toward me.

"Armin-"

"No!" My body collapsed slightly, my shoulders slumping as I pulled my bent knees to my chest and hugged them tightly. "You can't." I wasn't thinking logically any longer. My tears were falling hard and my voice was uncontrollable. "You can't leave me. You can't do this Jean! You can't."

"I'm so sorry, Armin. I'm sorry." He mumbled over and over again as he wrapped those strong arms around my body and pulled me into his lap. I buried my head in his chest, whimpering as my fingers grasped against his skin. I couldn't control my tears and it seemed neither could Jean. He held me tightly against his chest, my knees bent between his spread legs, with his head buried in my hair. He continued to apologize profusely but all I could hear was the brutal truth. The truth I wasn't willing to accept. He couldn't leave me. He _couldn't._ Not when I finally had him. I finally _found_ him. We were meant to live and survive together. This was _not_ supposed to happen.

I wasn't sure how long either of us had sat there like that. My tears refused to stop and Jean seemed determined to not let me go. And then he spoke again. It was soft and almost inaudible but I heard it.

"You have to..."

I pushed away from his chest and looked up at him with wide eyes, shaking ym head vigorously. "N-No. I can't!"

"You promised!" He snapped back, his face contorted in pain as his hands moved to grasp my shoulders. "We promised each other, Armin."

"I can't kill you!" I gasped out, a new on-set of tears wrecking through my body. "Y-You can't seriously expect me to!"

"Of course I do! You'd want this too, Armin!" He shook me slightly, tears still falling from his eyes. "You promised me! Don't you _dare_ break that promise now!"

A whimper escaped my lips and I shook my head, blonde hair slapping against my face. "I-I can't! Not while you're... still you!" He reached forward, grasping his face between my hands and his lips met mine as I pushed forward. The kiss was hurried, desperate and tasted of our tears.

Jean pushed back too soon and released me quickly. "I can _feel_ it, Armin. It's started. I don't... I don't want you to _see_ me like that. Please." He reached over, taking his little pistol from the floor and held it out to me. "_Please._" He begged.

"No!" I slapped the gun from his hand, hearing it clatter against the floor and slid into the corner. "If you want me to do this, I'm doing it _my_ way. I can't kill you while you can still breathe my name!"

Jean nodded slightly and shifted, crawling onto the bed beside me. "I'm sorry, Armin." He said as he laid on his stomach, tucking his arms under head. He looked so... Exhausted. I bit my lip, forcing my pain down as I shifted beside him, reaching out to pet his hair softly.

"It's not your fault. I forgive you." I leaned down, placing a soft kiss to his cheek. "I still love you. I'll always love you." I mumbled softly against his skin, nearly losing control over my emotions once again. "Just... rest now, okay? I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

He hummed softly, glancing at me from the corner of his eyes. "I love you, Armin. Be a good boy okay? Don't... Do anything stupid. Promise?" He spoke softly while slipping his eyes shut.

My breath caught in my throat as I pet his hair softly. "I-I promise." His breathing evened out and I leaned down to press one last kiss to his lips. He didn't respond. He was still breathing but he was gone. It took every ounce of will I had in my body to force myself away from him. I clambered to my feet, stumbling slightly before grabbing the gun from the corner where I slid down the wall and sat.

I cradled the gun in my hand, pressed against my chest with the safety off and my finger on the trigger. There was no stopping it. There was no curing it and there was no fighting it. Jean was going to die. He was going to die and become one of t_hem_. And he trust me to end it. He trusted me to take his life so he didn't become one of them. I could have done it when he passed out but somewhere, deep inside, a little voice was screaming at me to just _wait_.

I wasn't sure how long I sat there with my eyes wide and on his unmoving body. My eyes were starting to burn and the joints in my body were starting to ache. I had just shifted to lay my bent leg flat when Jean finally moved. My attention snapped to him and I watched as he slowly moved up onto his knees and then pushed up onto his feet. I couldn't do it. I couldn't look at his face. His shoulders rolled, his back to me and he released the one sound I wished I had never heard. Without hesitation I raised that pistol and fired, the sound echoing through the shelter and probably over the neighborhood. His body collapsed to the ground as the gun fell from my hands and I curled into a sobbing mess on the cold dirty floor.

* * *

The sun was bright, causing my eyes to squint against it as I shifted the bag over my shoulder. The road was empty aside from a stray car or two. There wasn't a zombie in sight but that didn't matter to me. I kicked the tire of the dusty blue neon before ripping open the driver's side door and tossed my bag inside. I dropped to my knees and managed to jump-start it in under a minute. A useful skill I had learned from my late lover. The engine roared to life as I slipped into the seat and shut the door. I settled in the seat, putting the belt on and just sat there for a moment, my hands on the wheel as I stared at the open road in front of me.

I didn't want to. I didn't want to live. I didn't want to survive and I didn't want to move on. But I made him a promise and it was a promise I had to keep. Tears welled in the corners of my eyes as I lifted a hand to touch the beautiful ring that was resting on a string around my neck. I bit my lip hard, forcing down the urge to break and ripped my hand away from the ring to grasp the wheel as I shifted into drive and moved on down the open road.

* * *

**Please don't kill me. I'm sorry. I am. I really am. But it... I had to be done. This is the start of a new series for me. Now, let me explain. Jean is my second favorite character next to Armin. So yea, this KILLED me to write. But I have my reasons and I hope you understand. Forgive me. **

**Thank you for taking the time to read it. Please, also take the time to let me know what you thought? Thank you again.**

**~Addy~**


End file.
